Friday, March 4, 2011

Meet me at Union Station - my entry in the 'Race to 200' contest. #fridayflash

This is all happening thanks to J.C. Martin @ Figher Writer. My entry is doubling as my #fridayflash story for this week. After you have finished reading my 'race for survival' story, click on the badge opposite to read more entries.

My 300-word excerpt is from a short story I've been working on. I've already posted the beginning in the previous post for #fridayflash. You might like to read that first...

'Meet me at Union Station' (cont...)

Where was I? Where was Union Station? I studied the grubby map. Why hadn’t I mastered iPhone apps?

     Relax. Stay calm. Concentrate.
Right ahead I saw the winery, art galleries and stalls, then by cricking my neck I could make out Union Station just ahead. There – the clock tower rising, pointing to God, its creamy colours framed by palm trees and blue sky. I felt weak with relief but that was short-lived - the big hand was just seconds from the hour.

Oh my God! How many seconds did Angelique’s life come down to?
I staggered past the sundial in the station forecourt. The inscription flashed in the sunlight:
Vision to see
Faith to believe
Courage to do

Tears ran down my face as I limped past, knee throbbing, my breath nearly done. Yes, yes, let me see, let me believe, give me courage
I hesitated. Where do I go now? Inside, I must get inside.
I pushed past the tourists with their clicking cameras. No architectural lovefest for me. No discussion of the glorious mismatch of styles – Moorish, Mission, Moderne…I didn’t care.
Not today.
‘Angel. Angel. Angel.’ I chanted, her name a prayer as my boots slammed each step.
‘You’re nearly out of time!’
I hit the top step, tore through the glass doors, all the while mewling like an alley cat and acting just as fierce. I elbowed people out of the way with a ‘Move it, move it,’ hiss. I landed in the huge forecourt just as the clock boomed the hour.
 An archway three stories high led into an immense waiting room. Despite the mob, I felt myself in church. I’m here…I made it. My heart steadied. My eyes skimmed the rows of chocolate-covered padded leather seats...
What was I seeing? What? Why did he send me here?




Grandpa said...

Yes, I read the culturo mexicana incident first!

I wonder now what you're seeing, and why are you sent to union station...

Can't wait!

Anonymous said...

This is GOOD! The writing pulled me along. Didn't want to stop reading. What has happened? What's GOING to happen?

Then, I realized there's a previous post. I read it. Found out what had happened. Now I'm anxious to read more. It is, you say, TBC. So....

I'm discovering your superb other blogs tonight. I'll be back!!!
Ann Best, Long Journey Home

N. R. Williams said...

I echo Ann. This is GOOD! I'm looking forward to reading more. I'd like to clobber the kidnappers and hold your heroine tight for support.
N. R. Williams, The Treasures of Carmelidrium

L'Aussie said...

Grandpa: thanks for reading both. You're sweet with your comments.

Ann: Yes, I'm pretty voracious with all my blogs aren't I? Any doubt l love blogging? Glad you liked the story and read the previous post.

Nancy: Glad you want to read more. Not really fair, is it?

Michael Di Gesu said...

Ooooo, Denise,

This is good. I still need to read your full. I have been insane trying to keep up with everything.

Tomorrow I play catch up.


L'Aussie said...

Michael: I'll send you the full soon. I've changed it so much (and submitted it.)


Donna Hole said...

Wow; the pacing and tone of this is the strength. Vivid imagery, intense, progressive. I'm compelled to read on thought I don't really know enough about the MC to attach to him.

Yep; setting and situation carries this piece. You've set a high standard for action and progression in this beginning.

Writing excellence Denise.


L'Aussie said...

Donna: Thanks, you're very kind.


J.C. Martin said...

Hi, just to let you know I've been by to read your entry! Thanks again for participating! :)

L'Aussie said...

JC: Thank you.

Laura Eno said...

I read this one first, before going back to the beginning (because I am perverse). :)
It was interesting because I got a whole different idea in my head of where I was! Great imagery in this, Denise!

Genna Sarnak said...

Lovely snippet! Thanks for sharing for J.C.'s contest!

Eric J. Krause said...

Good tension in this. I'm looking forward to seeing what happens next.

Harry said...

Yes! Definitely felt the urgency and the near desperation. What is next?

L'Aussie said...

Laura: Yes you're perverse, ha ha.

Genna, Eric, Harry: Thanks.

ganymeder said...

Interesting, engaging, but you left us hanging! Shame on you! :)

Anonymous said...

Great evocation of a sense of place!

Virginia Moffatt said...

Very exciting, well paced, and tense. What will they do to your protagonist next?

Budd said...

I read it and was lost then went back and read the previous post and it made perfect sense. Good work, I am now curious as to what she is witnessing. Surprise birthday party?

L'Aussie said...

ganymeder, eeleenlee, Virginia, Budd: Glad you liked it. Well, Budd, wish it were that simple!


Trisha said...

Very nice, I definitely love your description, and i get a good sense of the desperation. Haven't read the first part yet though! :D

Fourth Grade Teacher said...

Good tension, even in this small amount of time and space! I loved the detail of the throbbing knee. You hooked me; now I need to read the other parts of the story!

L'Aussie said...

Trisha and Fourth Grade Teacher: You really needed to read the first episode below but I know the time frame...


Donna Hole said...

OK, so this gave a progressive sense of movement; of hurry. I don't know what the rush is; but the reasoning seems almost unnessary.

I doubt you could go much past this scene without the reasoning for the tension; but it feels very much like a transition scene. Something happened just before, and something else will happen just after.

This scene, in my interpretation, fully accomplished its mission of forward progress.

Excellent entry to the Race blogfest.


Donna Hole said...

PS Denise: its late for me; so I didn't read the previous installment. I will do so as soon as possible.


Witless Exposition said...

Love this! I love that all the details of the town are seen through a tourist's eyes. Seems a lot more natural than the usual laundry list way that people display the setting.

Really glad I read the first part. Can't wait to read the continuation!

Stephanie M. Lorée said...

Very fast, very precise. I enjoyed this entry a lot. It left a lot of questions too, which I think is good for drawing a reader into the larger story.

I was late getting my entry up, but it's at my blog now. Happy writing!

J.C. Martin said...

Just wanted to let you know your Race to 200 story is a FINALIST and is now up for voting! Check it out on my site! :)

L'Aussie said...

Thanks everyone for commenting and JC,it is wonderful to be in the finals.